(913): did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
(765): What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
(662): they’re both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
(614): Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
(619): His “hunger Strike for change” lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend….not impressed.
(609): Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night.
(570): I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
(410): Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It’s two in the afternoon. He’s not even HERE.
(408): My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
(863): oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting “EYEBROWS” and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
(719): She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors…its gonna be a good time.
(+44): just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean.
(651): I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
(603): He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he’s seen look like.
(613): Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
(815): It just gets louder and louder too…dear god. Her poor vagina.
(870): It’s barely 9 am & I’ve already had an ice cube IN my vagina.
(651): pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i’m too drunk to keep working and then i’ll be there.
(202): we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of “being serious”.
(917): I’m not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
(479): I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy.
(716): I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
(678): thanks for leaving the note with the doctor’s recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
(607): his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn’t spill a drop.
(561): They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
(505): My right arm is handcuffed to my leg… Please help.
(785): Just remembered getting lost in a “shortcut” through yards and GPSing my way home last night.
(602): I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
(814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn’t want his groceries bagged.
(732): He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
(207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
(307): Why is the word ‘best’ written on my chest?!!
(512): They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce… Is this true?
(605): Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this.
(817): I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
(239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I’m ODing on adorable right now.
(917): level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
(813): thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not.
(734): I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
(908): You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You’re like the boyfriend of my dreams.
(217): Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture.
(423): I’m going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
(443): Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
(860): I have no recollection of sleep choking you.
(620): He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he’s a keeper.
(989): I think I’m finally maturing. I’m happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn’t choke on his tiny penis.
(903): Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
(215): There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that’s always on his bike as he’s citing them for public drunkenness. It’s not even 11 am.